written by Mike Simpson
Another KOTD event is in the books, and if there was anyone out there still thinking you can’t have fun on a Thursday, Storm Clouds proved their asses wrong. The night was crazy from start to finish, with every battler giving one of their top performances to date. The crowd was attentive all night and the homies did not forget the food.
Devious vs Bosco
Bosco (Steven Padley from KOTD Talkback forums) made his KOTD debut against Smoke Out Battles Devious in the first battle of the night, and Bosco didn’t look the part of the rookie at all. He maintained his composure well and had some crazy haymakers, including “in your battle against styles you choked in the first four seconds of the first round, but real talk that was the best four seconds of the worst round” and a later scheme where he mentioned that Devious “takes his kid to Smoked Out for take your kid to work day”. Devious definitely had some moments, including “you suck dick for bus fare then walk home”, but he still seemed really nervous in the ring and choked in the third round. Bosco took this battle cleanly in a solid debut.
Civic vs Renz
This battle of the young up and comers featured High Noon Battles’ President Civic vs Ryan Renz, both of which also making their KOTD debut. While these dudes were going at each other, this felt like a rap clinic in addition to a battle. Civic has so much energy on stage, and can rap double time like nobody’s business, and Renz can carry a flow like you wouldn’t believe. Both dudes looked like they belonged in the ring and there were some nutty bars going back and forth. Quotables included Civic’s “you say the same shit over and over again, might as well have been “don’t forget the food homie” (a reference to the KOTD event page where La Sparka accidentally posted “don’t forget the food homies” a good 80 odd times) and Renz’s “In real life, I drive a civic, I only crash it in Forza, in real life, you look like ellen degeneres, but can never catch the Porsche”. Civic had some crazy hockey bars for Renz and Renz had a crazy Honda car scheme. My breakdown was a debatable first round, Civic getting the second and Renz getting the third, and the judges gave it to Civic on a 4-1 decision.
Lil Q vs Bizzy Mind
I should start off this breakdown by mentioning that Lil Q was obviously quite drunk while doing this battle. But with that being said, this was a fun battle. Lil Q came with his usual brand of jokes, clowning on Bizzy for being skinny, and had a fair amount of gay jokes, including “The only pussy you get is furry and looks like a furby”. That being said, Bizzy went crazy in this battle. I didn’t get the set up perfect, but he said something like “I shouldn’t be talking about your baby momz, ya it’s too soon, but you got her pregnant at 17, dawg, too soon”. Shit was FIRE. I gave the second round to Q, but that was debatable and it felt like Bizzy didn’t rap a lot that round. 1 and 3 were clearly bizzy though, and the judges agreed.
Patch vs Bearodactyl
Who you think won this battle comes down to how you judge. If you judge holistically and believe a bad choke loses you the battle, then you’ll think Bear won. If you judge by the number of rounds each rapper won, you’ll think Patch won. Both of these dudes were on their game right throughout the battle, but Patch definitely took the momentum in the first two rounds. He talked in the first round about how Bear doesn’t stick to things, quitting the fire department, studio 58, and so on, finishing with “Bitch you’re sick at quitting, maybe stick to that”. Patch also had a hilarious impersonation of Bear in the second round where he mocked how Bear took his shit talking off of facebook because Manik thought it was racist. Bear came storming back in the third though, with lines like “How do your parents work at every corner store from hastings to ninth and make it to A&W in time to make all my fries”. They both had other great moments throughout this battle, like Bear’s “you’re the first guy I’m battling who looks like Liu Kang” and Patch’s “you’re such a nice guy, I bet your parents didn’t even have to beat you”. Patch choked pretty awkwardly in the third, and this gave Bearodactyl room to sweep in for the win.
Illipsis vs Rezza Rekt
Battle of the night. Straight up. La Sparka hosted the battle with a pimp cane, and that started it off perfectly. Rezza opened up by talking about how Manik punked illipsis a year and a half ago, including lines like “He has Xanax for breakfast because this man suffers from manik depression”. He also had a dope line in the first that went “your boys be gassing you up to tell you you’re worth what hollow cost (holocaust) but they ripped jew off”. Illipsis fired back with some beard jokes, including “I heard your mom got rugburn during childbirth”. These dudes had so many quotables. Make sure you catch this battle when it comes out.
Stevie P vs Apos
This battle was crazy vicious. Stevie P spent an entire round talking about Apos’ girlfriend’s crusty vagina, the highlight being “that pussy is crispier than Christopher Walken when he’s stiff in a coffin”. Apos channeled guck for parts of his second round, putting paper towel in his nose and quoting the infamous Guck vs Kit Carson battle. I had this battle at a 1-1 tie going in to the third round, and that’s when Apos took over. Stevie spent a large section of the round talking about how skinny apos is and all the food he needs to eat. Unfortunately for Stevie, Apos has gained a bit of weight since Stevie last saw him, so most of the bars fell a bit flat. Stevie stumbled a bit in the third before calling out pigsty and finishing his round. Apos then came back with an incredible personal, vicious third. “How can such a stand up guy be a fall down drunk?” and “I hate to question your manhood, but your kids are the reasons we get people to bring canned goods” both got incredible reaction. Stevie got the first clean, Apos took the second and third.
Pigsty vs Lil G
Da Gawd ain’t ever lost. LIL G! Pigsty put up a valiant effort, with lines about how many girls lil G has fucked, such as “you’ve degraded so many woman that you’ve made me a feminist”. He had a ton of dope punches: “I’ve got the beatles of Dicks, I tried to say it’s bigger than Jesus and people got pissed”, “He’s at home watching porn like “eh, I can do better”, and ““I burn if I stay in the sunlight fam, I like juice boxes, I’m a sunrype Stan”. Lil G is unfuckwithable though, “My next battle, I want 3 smoking sluts, loaded lux, and 40 bucks”, “last night I lost my cats life in a cat fight”, and “I put your cum guzzling love muffin in lil G’s dutch oven.” Obviously promo, this was a fun time.
Megadef vs HK
This battle comes down to the second round. Megadef was spazzing in his first. He had a crazy Martin Scorsese scheme that went through all of his classic movies, he had crazy presence, and had the aggressive bars on lockdown. It’s a really hard round to get quotables out of because it all worked together, but with how KOTD releases footage, hopefully it will be out soon. The third was clearly HK, with his best round of the night and Mega choking. HK went off about Mega’s war history and how he talks reckless on facebook while being quiet at events, ending with the punchline “He needs to blame facebook (for his ptsd), because every fucking post traumatic”. He had a few Anti American lines that hit well with the crowd and seemed the most comfortable he had been all battle. As I said, the second was where things were most interesting, and that’s the deciding round of this battle. HK had bars like “He’s just another American giving bucks he doesn’t have, that’s hyper inflation” and “I’ll leave blood trickling down his temples like ancient Mayans”. Mega responded with “This knife like your bad genetics, you’re stuck with it”, “Russian Kirilenko like a hippy party, you get the wood stock”. I edged the battle 2-1 to Mega, although the overall majority in the room gave it to HK.
Huge shout outs to Willie B and La Sparka for all the work they put in behind the scenes. It takes a lot to make these events happen. Also, good work Verena, Linda, and Daniel for the additional work. Vancity has a great team behind the scenes.
And because I can’t go a single post without talking about myself, I will make a quick note that I didn’t even fuck up djing once!
follow Mike on Twitter at @MCblasphem_e
Photo’s by Iris Chia Photography
www.irischiaphoto.com